Memoir #47 Tough Angels

We got a call on Friday night from a permanency planning coordinator and we found out that the prosecutor is finally moving to terminate the parental rights of our former foster daughter JJ’s bio-mom.  It has been two years since she entered foster care.  Thanks be to God for this gift!

I have been praying for JJ to get into her forever home and it looks like she will be in the next 3 months (though you can never really count on anything in this system).

Why did it go this long?  One year ago, the Judge decided to give bio-mom more time…even when she was testing positive for drugs.  Another year has passed by and bio-mom is still testing positive for drugs.  Not only was JJ put back with bio-mom, only to be then placed with grandma which is also an unfit place to live…she is now back in foster care. 

It pains me so very much to watch this happen to her.  I cannot believe this is how her life is playing out…it is surreal that she has had to endure this for two years!

This move has stirred-up a flutter of excitement between us former foster moms and I am happy to see that she is back with her second family.   All three of us want nothing more than for her to be in a forever home, safe and sound.  The three of us are also in agreement that no matter what, it is in her best interests to be raised away from her bio-family for many reasons…interesting how we all see this so clearly and the court has not…at least not until now.

So, what happens next?  That is a good question. There will probably be a termination hearing where the Judge will actually decide to terminate or not.  If he does decide to, then there is the appeal time that follows which I believe is 15 days.  Then, once rights are terminated, I believe the court will need to decide with whom JJ should live the rest of her life.  This is a tough question…who will it be?  Are we going to be one of the families considered in the mix?  SO MUCH to think about!

But for today, I am thanking God that he has answered our prayers and that JJ is safe.  She survived this thing the system calls “attempted monitored reunification” which I was afraid she might not have made it out of. 

Her angels are tough!

Please pray for our JJ and pray that the Judge looks at her life when he decides what to do next. 

1 John 5:14 says, this is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us!

Memoir #46 Hurry up and Wait for Joy

You have given me greater joy than those who have everything.  Psalm 4:7

Hurry up and wait…

I feel like this describes my current situation. 

I was so excited and did my part to transfer my license from DHS to a private agency, but I am still waiting for the first phone call from the new agency to begin the next leg of our journey.  This is the agency that will be maintaining our license and facilitating our next adoption.

It’s kind of like how the Judicial System works in this country.  You cannot be late to court so you must hurry-up and get into the court room on time or early, only to sit there with your police officers, witnesses, the defense attorneys, and court staff and do what?    Well, wait…

I am just not a patient person =)

I am so ready to move forward and enhance our life with another wonderful child or perhaps two!

What makes is easier is that my husband is completely on board and tonight when I showed him pictures of a set of identical, twin, 3-year-old boys who are waiting, his response was “I’m in!”

I highly doubt this is the typical husband’s reaction, but we are ready, willing, and able so Lord…so please, bring them on!  Bring on the children you have placed on this earth for us to raise.  We cannot wait for them to become a part of our everyday lives!

So, I said to him nonchalantly, “they will probably be little monsters…can you imagine 3 toddlers???”  This is probably true, but you know what?  We believe these little people are our specialties.  We are accustomed to chaotic “toddler-life” and you know what…it is actually so much fun!  For example, tonight we spent an hour doing “gymnastics” in our living room with Raya and it was a blast.  I can’t wait to do this again in double or triple time…and that would be priceless =)

I can honestly say that I “know” what I would be getting myself into.

What I mean by “know” is that based on my experience with two toddlers at one time, I predict what it would be like with two again or three and I am ok with the chaos.  Actually, I welcome it Ah!

What I really welcome is the absolute joy that I have never, ever found elsewhere.  And, this joy is a feeling in your gut that makes you smile from ear to ear =D

It is a joy that makes you get up in the morning and know you have a purpose in this world…a purpose that is much, much bigger than you. 

I guess it could be my calling maybe…you think???

I love being a mother and I love, loving God’s children.  Every day I pray for my rainbow child…aka rainbow after the storm…and I cannot wait to meet this wonderful and special child or children!!!

The bible says “You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.  You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy.” Psalm 30:11

Blessings!!!

Memoir #45 Foster Daddies

My husband is the greatest and I wanted to include a memoir that is a tribute to him.  He is the other half of our dreams and without him I would never be able to do this foster-adopt journey.

MY DADDY

I am a lucky kid. I have a daddy that lives in my house. My daddy loves me, takes care of me and teaches me right from wrong. He says prayers with me every night at bedtime and at dinner.

 My daddy teaches me how to ride horses, play tennis and even teaches me to play baseball. My daddy sat down with me at the computer and taught me how to play games, and my daddy even plays chess with me. My daddy takes me fishing, boating and camping.

When I was sick, my daddy stayed up with me and held me even when I was crying and throwing up. My daddy held my head close to this shoulder and carried me to the hospital when I had to have stitches where I fell and hurt myself. My daddy put medicine on my skinned knee that didn't even sting! My daddy even lets me eat cheerios in his nice new car.

Everyone thinks that only mommies do all of these things. I don't know what I would do without my daddy. Mommy can't catch a ball, play Frisbee or catch a fish as good as my daddy can. My daddy is teaching me to plant trees, mow the lawn, swim, and even teach the dog tricks.

My daddy sits down with me every night at the dinner table and helps me with my homework. My daddy loves me and shows it. I've seen my daddy do dishes, fold clothes, clean the house and all the other things that mommies normally do. My daddy is the greatest!

I am a lucky kid. I have a daddy that lives in my house. My daddy loves me, takes care of me and teaches me right from wrong. I also have a "real" dad. I don't get to live with him right now, but that's alright I've got my daddy. I am living in a home with my "Foster Parents". My foster daddy sure is a wonderful guy, isn't he?

~~~~~

These are actual statements from children in foster care. 

These men that they speak about are active foster parents and are unsung heroes.

Most of us think about the woman of the house taking care of the kids. But, these extraordinary men take classes, training, help with housework, and love the children.

They are men that should be recognized for their love, skill and talent.

Thank you Lord for all our daddies and especially Lord, thank you for foster daddies!

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Like a warrior's fistful of arrows
are the children of a vigorous youth. Oh, how blessed are you parents, with your quivers full of children! Psalm 127:3-4

*Foster Children statements submitted by Michelle Gallagher

Memoir #44 Orphan Advocacy

Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans…Isaiah 1:17

Did you know…

There are 143 million orphans in the world…and an additional 20 million displaced children.

In Eastern Europe, less than half of the orphans will live to see their 20th birthday.  Of those who survive, half of them will end up involved with organized crime, drug addiction and prostitution.

In Africa, children are armed and used for war…and there is a concerted effort to extend their life expectancy to beyond age 5.

In the US, 25,000 kids will leave the foster care system without families…and 25% of them will become homeless.

Orphan advocacy has become one of the most important causes that I support.  I believe that orphans are some of God’s most cherished little people on this planet. 

Throughout the bible God commands us to care for them and bring them justice and I am searching for ways to do this.

I think when we hear the word Orphan; we often picture a pot-bellied child in Africa with no shoes and a dirty face.  This certainly is one type of orphan whom we should care about. 

But I think we often forget that there are a multitude of orphans living right here in the U.S. in our own neighborhoods. 

In fact, there are a little over 400,000 children in U.S. foster care today.  About 75% of them are not living in relative homes. 

I looked-up the definition of the word orphan, and here is one that really stood out to me.

A person that is without protection.

This resonates with me because when you are a foster parent and you get involved with “the system”…the number one goal for children is safety. 

They at least deserve to be safe. 

Children may be living at the poverty line.  They may not have shoes that fit them.  They may live in smoke-filled homes where they do not have a bedroom…but if they are safe, then its ok. 

Tonight I think about all the children across the globe who are orphaned.  Whether they are temporarily displaced or they are permanently deprived of parents and family.

May God bless these children and may he bring them a forever home quickly!

*Statistics credit to Child Welfare Information Gateway and Theorphanfoundation.org

Memoir #43 JJ's Voice

This is a tribute to my previous foster daughter JJ...she just turned 4 years old.  We got to see her for Christmas and she is doing well despite the situation she is still in.  She is in the process of "reunification with her bio-mom"...a process that is always favored above adoption in the United States...even when it should not be.  This is for her so I have titled it JJ's Voice.

Dear Judge,

I am an attorney and so I mean no disrespect whatsoever in writing you.

I am also a foster parent.

I am also a mom.

I am also a person who has seen a deep injustice firsthand, and my only goal in writing this is to possibly prevent another injustice of this kind from happening to another child.

Many children’s lives are held in your hands and I do not envy your position at all.  I am writing to tell you that one special child, who I love dearly, has suffered an injustice however; and I cannot sit quiet on her two year anniversary of entering “the system”.

You see, not only does this mark two years for her being in the system…it also marks the day that she has now been in the system for longer than she has been out of the system in her precious little life.

My brother…this should not be!

The law changed for a reason and a line was drawn in the sand to prevent children from growing-up in limbo.  Way too many children have spent years of their lives in and out of foster care with no forever home in sight…and no end to the suffering of this in-between-life.

When the one year mark came around for this dear child you had two options.  You could have ended her time in the system or you could give her mom another chance…and I propose to you, Your Honor, that you made the wrong decision in this case.

I am trying not to be biased but I will put forth a number of the facts that support my theory.  

At the one year mark,

Mom did not have a job.

Mom did not have a house.

Mom was taking out student loans and not attending school and living off of them.

Mom did not have good mental health.

Mom was testing positive for controlled substances!!!

Mom had one entire year of this child’s life, spent apart from her, to clean up her act and get these things together. 

Mom spent the tax payers’ money and attended counseling and parenting classes and drug treatment programs and court hearings…only to fail!

Precious little girl had been in two foster homes at this point…both of them would have loved to adopt her.

You decided to keep precious little girl in the system and this, your Honor, was a mistake.

Today, another year has past, and precious little girl’s mom is still testing positive for controlled substances.  Precious little girl is still in limbo and she is suffering Judge, she is suffering!!!…for example, she is four now and she still cannot control her bladder.

Let’s re-live this past year of her life so that you can see just how this decision has impacted her forever.

Precious little girl went on to another foster home, with family, who would have loved to adopt her.

She was making progress and at the same time, mom was fooling the system.  Mom is now engaged to a gang member, who she would rather go and bail out of jail, then attend a visit with precious little girl.

CPS was called in when precious little girl was complaining about abuse and mom was still given more chances.

Precious little girl had to move into another foster home to facilitate longer visits with mom and be closer to her.  Mom didn’t put any effort into seeing her more.

Precious little girl was put back into “mom’s” home only to live with her grandmother…which is the home she was removed from and in the midst of drug addicts and a sex offender…and the court is failing to keep track of this.

Your Honor, please do not allow this to happen to another child. 

Sincerely,

JJ’s Voice

Memoir #42 My Answer

I finally got my answer...and it came from a special book written by Beth Moore.  When I was grieving the loss of my daughter I was questioning God and looking for an answer...well here it is:)

"My child, I knew every difficulty you would face in life.  I suffered each one with you.  I loved you and had a plan for your life before you were born.

This plan has not changed, no matter what happened to you or what you have done!

See, I knew all things concerning you before I formed you, and I would never allow any hurt to come into your life that I could not use for eternity. Will you let me?

Your truth will be imcomplete unless you view it against the backdrop of my truth.  Your story will remain half-finished until you let Me do my half with your hurt.  Let Me perfect that which concerns you.

I remain, your Faithful Father."

Today it has been two month since we lost our baby Faith who was born still.  It's amazing how plans can change after a tragedy strikes and we have definitely tweaked ours a bit. 

Little boy age 10 to 36 months…well that is what we just told our licensing worker on Thursday past when she came to update our home study.  This is the age range that we are considering for our next foster to adopt placement.  Our plans have changed and we cannot be more excited!  I use the word “our” loosely because I realize now more than ever that it’s really God’s plan for our lives that will prevail and that is a good thing. He is our loving father and he knows what is best for us…his plan is much better than ours could ever be.

So what is the new plan exactly?  Well, we are going to continue trying to conceive another baby if and when it happens but we also would like to add another beautiful waiting child to our home.  We have been so blessed and we have so much love to give! 

I am really drawn to international adoption and I would not mind parenting a domestic infant, but our heart lies in foster care.  In fact, I have been doing some research on the various types of adoption and I will write about the anamolies I've found at a later date.  But my husband is adamant and I am good with his position.  We would like to pursue another adoption of a child who has been orphaned right here in the U.S. and who is more than a few days old.  Toddlers are our specialty...and we’ve decided we would love to add a boy to our mix!

We have taken the steps to moving our license from DHS to a private organization in order to facilitate the matching process and adoption.  Today I checked the status of our foster care license and it appears there was activity on it yesterday, so it shouldn't be too much longer.  I cannot wait to meet our new worker and get the ball rolling!

Perhaps the best thing I have ever done was fostering our daughter Raya and adopting her.  It was so risky and scary at times and let’s not forget HARD…but it was so worth it!  One of the second best things I have ever done was foster our JJ girl.  Fostering is such a selfless thing and yet you are the one who ends up being rewarded two-fold by doing so and the rewards continue to come well into the future after your placement. 

We never know how many more days we have on this earth but I have thought, what do I want to be doing when it’s my time to go?  I’ve figured out after beginning this journey that I would like to be caring for some of the neediest people on the planet =) go figure.

Speaking of JJ girl…we got to see her!!!  This was the highlight of my Christmas and I will give you an update on her later.

For now...this is to you...my future little boy...may God bring you to us quickly!

My baby boy…I cannot wait to meet you.  I feel like my heart is bursting with joy at just the thought of you.  I wonder if your eyes will be brown or green.  Will your hair be curly or sort of straight? 

I wonder if you will play football or if you will love to sing. Will you smell like the sweetness that my Raya smells like? 

I wonder if you are safe right now…if you are hungry or scared?  Do you live with a family who is fostering you or are you living with the one who gave your life?

Is your skin brown or tan or café au lait?  Are your cheeks round and pudgy?  And what is your age?  Are you still wearing diapers and toddling around?   Are you speaking at all or nothing but sound? 

Is your laugh loud and robust?  Is there a sparkle in your eye?  I can’t wait to meet you my sweet baby boy.  And I pray for you each night even though we have yet to meet…I pray for the patter of more little feet.

I can’t wait to hold you and squeeze you so tight.  I can’t wait to tuck you into bed after lullabies at night.  Lord bring us our baby boy as quick as its right…we have oh so much love to give him!

~Blessings! Rachel

Memoir #41 Faith Born Still

Faith Born Still

I’ve wrestled with how to write this entry. 

I want it to be the most profound memoir that I have ever composed because it will be telling the story of the most difficult experience I have ever faced.

I need to write it for all of those who have gone through this or who might go through this someday…and I need to write it because it’s her story and in the 5 months that we got to know Faith, she greatly impacted our world.

Words just cannot express the shattered dreams, or the hole that I have in my heart (maybe forever), or the torture that I’ve experienced in holding my baby who was not breathing…and never ever would on this earth…

This has been our own “Job” story…the devil taking our first born and God saying to him…try all you may with my righteous son and daughter…they will NOT waiver in their faith.  This is the story of our Faith…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I think it was in May of this year when I went to my doctor and proudly proclaimed “I would like to get pregnant!”  I then proceeded to ask him if I could start a round of Chlomid so that I could increase my chances of having twins.  I found out quickly that it doesn’t work that way (though I am pretty sure celebrities get a pass here).  He said that he will not give fertility treatments to his patients until they have faithfully tried to conceive for one calendar year with no luck. 

I will never forget when he said to me “it can take a normal couple up to a year to conceive”. Once I heard this fact combined with the realization that there was no way of completing my “two birds with one stone” idea – at least not with medical help, I knew we needed to start trying right away.  Our daughter Raya would be 4 years old in February and I wanted to bridge the gap in age between her and our future children as quickly as possible so they could experience life through similar eyes.

For some of you reading this, you may be thinking, this is out of character for you…when did you decide you wanted to try to conceive instead of adopt?  Good question.  My desire to adopt was as strong as ever at this point (in May) but my husband has always wanted to try and conceive at least one child.  We’ve gone back and forth on this many times and how we’ve decided to compromise is by continuing on with our plans to do both.  We decided to try and conceive first and then we would go back to adoption after that.  We stopped fostering children and actively seeking another child to adopt when we began trying to conceive, in order to add one child at a time to our family.

My doctor understands me so well…I just love him for caring about me so much…and as I was leaving his office with a script for prenatal vitamins he said “Rachel, you’re going to get pregnant right away” and I said “we will see” with a smirk on my face.  I totally doubted his words and my fertility.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe over the years I had scared myself into thinking I would have trouble conceiving or something, but that is what I was thinking at that moment.

Well, we had our “big” wedding in June and I bought some ovulation sticks off the internet.  I peed on these things for about two weeks straight.  Just when I thought they were faulty, one of them had two lines.  I thought well, let’s just see what happens.  I remember June 26, 2011 like it was yesterday.  We prayed that God would bless my womb and make a baby.  We had heard a very moving sermon the week before on asking God for what you want and doing so with true belief that it is going to happen…no matter what you need or want…God will answer your prayers.  

About the third week of July I was upstairs in Raya’s room just feeling absolutely nauseous.  Jamie was out of town and all of a sudden it dawned on me…maybe I could be pregnant.  Long story short, I peed on three pregnancy tests and each of them confirmed the same thing…that’s right… I was pregnant!!!  Jamie and I could not have been happier although I was incredibly shocked that “it worked” so quickly.  Jamie said “why are you shocked…we prayed for this baby and God has answered our prayers!”

We had prayed for this baby and it was God’s special gift to us.  I never thought for a minute that something could happen to her.  I never thought for a minute that this pregnancy would be complicated and high risk.  I never thought I would be sick on and off for the next five months. 

A week later, I started my new job.  A week after that, Jamie’s dad died.  Then I started bleeding…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We weren’t expecting his dad to die…and so the world stopped for about three weeks in August. 

We were at his bedside when he flew into Jesus’ arms on Saturday night and on Monday morning I got my first ultrasound. 

I went to the appointment all alone because Jamie had to comfort his mom who was now a widow at only 55 years old.  On Friday I was gushing blood and I “just knew” that it was over.  I tearfully sat back in the ultrasound chair and waited to hear the unfortunate news.  I was 8 weeks pregnant. 

The girl smeared the jelly on my tummy and as plain as day there was a gummy bear with a flicker in its chest on the screen.  I was amazed.  She turned on the sound and I could hear her heartbeat pounding strong.  What was going on then?  She showed me the hematoma.  This would be the phantom thorn in my side for the rest of this pregnancy.  At that point it was a huge gray shape, twice the size of my gummy bear, and it was scary to say the least. 

Once I met with the doctor, she explained to me what this meant.  A hematoma can either reabsorb and cause no problems at all, or it can cause a miscarriage.  Well, we prayed like crazy and at 10 weeks the hematoma was completely gone!  According to the ultrasound (at least) there was no trace of it.  The feeling I had then was of peace and I was so relieved and thanked God just weeping non-stop.  We had new life in the midst of the recent death and that was so comforting.  Little did I know that the feeling would be incredibly short lived.

About a month went by with minimal noticeable problems except that I felt terrible.  I just always felt sickly.  I was in a court room every single day…trying my best to pretend like I felt good when in actuality I would feel dizzy, tired and just not quite right.

Then I started spotting.  At times there were a couple of “break-through” bleeds when I thought it was over again.  Then the pain started.  Excruciating pains would strike and leave me incapacitated for an hour at a time.  I still remember the day that my co-worker and I decided to walk to the coffee shop.  All of a sudden I was overcome with pain.  I broke into a sweat and ended up vomiting in the bathroom there.  I had to go home for the rest of the day.  What was going on?  I was in constant contact with my doctor’s office seeing a total of 6 different doctors there over the next few weeks.  I never got an explanation that really made sense.  They said ligaments were stretching but I knew this was more extreme than that.  The bleeding got worse and after about 6 ultrasounds, I found myself to be nearing 19 weeks along. 

That Friday I just felt terrible and I got scared.  I went to the doctor for my 7th ultrasound and that is when she noticed the fluid was low.  I went on bed rest immediately and I cried hysterically that I would have to stop working indefinitely.  Even still, I was determined to do everything I could for this little girl that was growing inside me.  I just kept thinking every day counts.

I knew that no baby had lived who was born younger than 22 weeks.  I knew that we had to make it at least to that point for them to save her.  I began gearing up for bed rest and people started bringing over meals and magazines.  I was worried about our baby but I think the break from work was helping to ease my stress.

Then what I had dreaded and prayed away for 5 months began to happen and we rushed to the emergency room.  That ER doctor looked me in the eyes and that alone confirmed my worst fears to be true…there was not going to be anything they could do to save her.  My baby was dying.

When I got up to the OB floor…that doctor did an ultrasound and we saw our Faith with that flicker in her chest.  Her heart was still beating!  The problem was there was no amniotic fluid left and soon her heart would stop they told us.  We were forced to sit there and just wait for our baby to die.

The ultrasound tech came up with another machine and all of a sudden there was a spontaneous flash of light and the flicker was gone.  Our Faith left us at that moment and flew up to be with her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I was in shock…complete disbelief that it was over…that our Faith was gone.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

What I didn’t realize was that I would be forced into labor and I would have contractions for 12 hours giving birth to a breach baby with no epidural only to sign a death certificate.

What I didn’t realize is that I would have to give her a name.

What I didn’t realize is that I would have to decide whether to bury her body or cremate it with a funeral home the following Monday.

What I didn’t realize is just how affected I was going to be by giving birth to Faith born still.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It hurt so bad…physically and emotionally.  I couldn’t stand to see my family hurting and to have to try and explain to our Raya that our baby went to heaven.  She just kept saying, “I wish our baby would wake up and open her eyes…”…I wished more than anything for the same thing.

Going home to an empty house with empty arms is so cruel.  This life is just so hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why???  WHY!!!  WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???!!!???

Why did this happen?  Why did this happen to us?  Why does it seem like our prayers went unanswered when we were praying like crazy for the exact opposite outcome?

I wish I had the answers and I do not.

I wish I knew God’s ultimate plan for our lives but I do not.

This is what I do know and I am absolutely sure of…and that is one thing.  Jesus loves me and he is holding our Faith in his arms right now in heaven, where there is no suffering and no more pain.

I got to thinking and I feel like everyone I have ever met who has had a miscarriage or lost a child is a Christian.  In fact, so many tragedies seem to happen overwhelmingly to those who proclaim to be followers of Christ.  Satan is on a mission to destroy those who have chosen to believe and follow God forsaking all else.  God tells Satan, “go ahead and try…try to rob and rape and kill my people… but…I assure you Satan, they will not waiver from their faith!”

It would be in vain if Christ-followers were sheltered from all the sin in this world and if that were the case, it wouldn’t be a showcase for God’s love now would it.  Instead,  I believe that for those who hold fast to their faith even through the strife that presents itself in such horrible ways in this world…great is their reward!!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

In spite of our tragedy…our faith has never been stronger.  That is why we gave the name Faith to our dear daughter.  True faith is what she has taught us in her short life and death and the only way we will see her again is to cling to our faith through the good and the difficult times. 

We thank God for our Faith everyday and we can’t wait until she runs into our arms when we get to meet her and see her breathe at our blessed reunion in heaven one day. 

Now my brothers and sisters, I do not count myself to have taken hold of it.  But this one thing I do know: forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth to those things which are before, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:13-14

                                                                      *Faith's Feet*