Memoir #56 Peace of mind and heart

According to the National Stillbirth Society, a stillbirth is a fetal death that occurs at 20 weeks or beyond.  1 in 160 pregnancies will end in stillbirth.  How long can the myth go on that once you hit the 12 week mark you’re in the clear?  The unfortunate truth is, no pregnancy is completely secure and I would attribute this to the miracle that creating new life truly is.

1/3 of all stillbirths are unexplained.  The babies seem perfectly healthy, the placenta, the mother etc.

 2/3rds, however, do come with some answers as to what happened although there is still very little comfort when the cause comes after the fact.  For example, many stillbirths occur because of “cord accidents” where either the umbilical cord wrapped around the baby’s neck and cut off the baby’s nutrient supply or the cord develops a blood clot and the same thing happens. 

The research in this area of obstetrics medicine is slim to none.   More babies die from stillbirth than S.I.D.S. yet the research that is done in that area far outweighs any research being done for stillbirth.  This needs to change but what we do know already is important and maybe a little advocacy will go a long way to help prevent stillbirth. The good news is, there are ways to watch for causes like cord accidents and possibly prevent a stillbirth. 

Please spread the word.  I have been involved with two large and renowned obstetrics offices and neither of them give any of this information to pregnant women and their families.  The only pamphlets that they carry regarding stillbirth are grieving information once it’s already too late to act.  This is typical practice and it needs to change so that every woman has a chance to do something if she is presented with an early demise of her baby.

A daily “kick count” starting at 26-28 weeks of pregnancy or before if the woman can feel this pattern is important.  The woman should take time each day to record her baby’s movements.  Once she can familiarize herself with what is normal for her baby, then she is more likely to notice when something does not feel right.  Many women, who have experienced stillbirth, report that right beforehand they noticed either heightened movement (could be sign of a struggle) or lessened or no movement. 

Another symptom to keep one’s eyes open for are hiccups.  Many women report that their baby had very noticeable hiccups before its demise.

Another common cause is infection that ends up in the placenta.  The woman does not know she has this until her placenta is examined after the stillbirth.  It’s hard to tell if this is happening but any potential infection such as a urinary tract infection or vaginal infection  or any other type of suspected infection in the body should be checked out immediately by the OB.  If an infection continues too long without being treated it can move into what is typically a very secure environment where the baby is.  Normally this shouldn’t happen and I actually had a nurse practitioner tell me recently that the above won’t happen.  Well guess what, it happens.  How do I know this?  That is most likely what happened to my pregnancy.  The placenta did have an infection…well how?  I have no idea because I was being heavily monitored by OB’s but no one checked me for any.  I should have been more in tune with my body and requested this but unfortunately I didn’t know. 

If you have a microscopic hole in your amniotic sack it is actually very easy for any bacteria to get to the placenta.  Most of the time there is no way of knowing that there is a hole and in my case the doctors checked me for leaking amniotic fluid (even a trace) and could not find any.  Well, a few days later the ultrasound showed it was certainly decreasing.  The doctor said that if people have microscopic holes they either heal themselves or they get worse.  Well we see what happened in my case.

Mistakes happen and the awareness is so low in this area that often a combination of things will cause a stillbirth so I just want to put them out there for people to be aware.

The good news is, God promises us that if we put our trust in him, he will give us peace of mind.  He said, “I am leaving you a gift – peace of mind and heart.  And the peace I give is a peace that the world cannot give.  So don’t be troubled and afraid.”  John 14:27

Memoir #55 Rainbow

Fortunately, I had no clue what an “Angel Baby” was until November of last year…because I had no experience with losing a child.  I soon realized that I had involuntarily joined the group of those who are mothers of Angel Babies, which I will now be a part of for the rest of my life.

In meeting more and more Angel Mommies, I soon came to learn another term used to describe the next child who follows the Angel, and that these children are called “Rainbow Babies”.  

The concept of "Rainbow Babies" is beautiful.  It is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope

We are nervous and excited to announce that we are expecting our Rainbow.  Thanks be to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

 And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations: I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Genesis 9:12-13

This concept of Rainbows can be applied to almost anyone’s situation, because we all have and will continue to face storms in this life.  Some of them will be so powerful that we may question if we will even make it through. 

It’s important to remember that when you are in the boat and the storm is forming all around you… you do not need to be the captain or one of the most important guests on the boat…you may be the prisoner in the bottom chambers, pretty much helpless to do anything…

But God listens to you… and he calms the storm by your FAITH. 

Your faith gets the boat through the storm…not the captain nor anyone or anything else.  And most importantly, keep your eyes peeled for your rainbow on the horizon…

May God grant you a rainbow after the storm.

Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven. Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men.  Psalm 107:28-31

Memoir #54 Respite and Those that Inspire us

Last weekend we enjoyed what us foster folks call “respite” which is a time period where the foster children stay with another foster family either for the day or overnight etc.

What does the word respite mean anyway?  What comes to my mind is rest, peacefulness, a break, and thank the Lord!

The dictionary says it means a temporary relief, especially from anything distressing or trying and I say that definition couldn’t be more fitting.

One of the Judges that I work with said this to me the other day, “Rachel, I’m proud of you for taking care of other people’s kids…its hard enough just taking care of your own.”

And that is precisely why respite is such a necessary thing for foster parents.  Your life changes when you bring another person or people into your home and that expansion includes more responsibility, less you time, and a lot more stress. 

Every so often we all could use a little respite in life couldn’t we?  And boy do foster families ever!  Even parenting your own kids drives you nuts sometimes (many times) and that is why “grandparent respite” also comes in handy =)

So over the last 2 and ½ years I have been so blessed to meet some of the most wonderful people on this planet after starting this journey and they are foster parents.  I am NOT referring to myself at all…I mean the ones I have met just seem so unbelievable and legendary.  They are true servants of God on the front lines doing the dirty work that is so freaking hard to do! 

When they speak about their lives and how they’ve somehow managed to incorporate a couple of foster children into them…it just blows my mind.

I had the privilege of meeting a foster mom the other day "L" and just speaking with her nearly had me in tears.  It gives me shivers just thinking about her story and her life and the sacrifice she had made for so many years…Why do this?  How does she do this?  She is AMAZING!!! 

"L" I hope that you know that you are changing the world and that you inspire me...

So back to respite, when I was on my way to bring the boys James says, “I am the most luckiest kid in the world.”  And I ask why?  He says, “because I get to live with other people and visit and stay with other people and play with lots of new kids and nobody else gets to”. 

It’s all about how you look at thing isn’t it?  =)

Isaiah 14:3-5
In that wonderful day when the Lord gives his people rest from trouble and fear, from slavery and chains, you will taunt your enemy.
You will say: how the oppressor has come to an end! How his fury has ended!
For the Lord has crushed your wicked power
and broken your evil rule.

Memoir #53 For Mothers

Each year I take time this day to thank all the mothers out there for the hard work they do at the hardest job on the planet…parenting.  This is a tribute to all mothers and to those who care for us when our mothers can’t.  God Bless!
Thank you to my mom for being the best example of what a mother should be like.

Thank you to moms who sacrifice new clothes and nights out for their children’s needs.

Thank you to foster moms who take care of other peoples’ children like their own.  Who open their homes and their hearts for an unknown period of time…to unknown challenges.

Thank you to adoptive moms who make a temporary relationship permanent and give children the forever homes that they have been longing for.

Thank you to Raya’s mom for giving your daughter a safe and happy life with us.  I can never thank you enough for giving her life.

Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character

^{10 [a]} A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
³¹ Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Proverbs 8:10-31       

God Bless you!

Memoir #52 Baby boy with no name

Memoir #52  Baby boy with no name

This is the true description given to me of the relative of our boys who we are going to meet very soon.  Please pray for this angel…though I am certain he is safely wrapped in the arms of Jesus.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He was only 4 pounds full term…

He came into this world in panic and in pain…

He was screaming, shaking and vomiting for days…

His mom refused to see or hold him.

HIS MOM REFUSED TO SEE OR HOLD HIM.

She wouldn’t even name him for the first 3 weeks.

He is 6 weeks old…nearly 6 pounds now today.

He has tremors…tremors…TREMORS…TREMORS!!!

This baby boy with no name…was born on meth.

I wonder if the angels are weeping for him like we do…

Do they too cry out to God…asking why, why, why Father…how can this be?

No one deserves to start life like this. No one.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

Memoir #51 Sucky guardians and battles with DHS

If you’ve read most of my posts here you may think reading this memoir is déjà vu and the truth is this will be another rant about DHS and this time I’m throwing in the Guardian Ad Litem =)

Sorry to vent, but I think it’s all relevant to the job so I promise I will try to keep it short and sort of sweet…enjoy ;)

Let’s start with good ‘ol DHS.  Well, what do you know, when I began contacting them to add our new foster boys to our case for CDC (child day care) benefits…imagine this…they ignored me.  In fact, even my relentless persistence got me nowhere.  I had to figure out who the supervisor was and then pursue her with no response.  When I was about to contact the director of our county’s branch…I finally got an email response of all things and it wasn’t good news. 

Oh, we sent you paperwork about a month ago she said, that if you didn’t contact us we would close your case.  Funny how I did not get this paperwork.  Ironically, they closed my case on March 19 and we got the boys on March 20.  As you can imagine, closing my case sets us back a couple of light years in DHS time and we have to start the entire painstaking process over…thank you DHS, I have so much extra time on my hands! 

The good news is, we got a new case worker and I’m pretty sure A.W. (our previous case worker) is just as relieved not to have to deal with a crazy foster-mommy lawyer calling him every daily as I am to not have to deal with his lazy bum (sorry it’s true).  I am just hoping that this new case worker cares a little more than A.W. did and will at least return my calls or respond to my letters for goodness sake.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with these benefits, I’ll explain briefly what they are.  What happens when you are a foster parent and you work full time is that you can qualify for CDC benefits for the children.  This will be a percentage of the day care costs (60-90% depending on other factors) that one can get reimbursed.

Qualifying for these benefits is seemingly easy but applying and getting everything set up is for some reason incredibly difficult.  One of the basic problems is that the DHS case workers do not communicate with you at all.  For example, if you filled out one line of the application incorrectly, you would probably receive a full on denial letter 6 weeks later without an explanation.  That is how they roll.  I’ve found that persistence is key and I know that part of my job as a foster parent is advocacy but for once I just wish it was easier. 

I had to battle with DHS last time for our two foster daughters’ benefits for months and months and finally show-up in person fully intending to have my hearing in Lansing.  Miraculously when you have your act together and you show up at their office in a suit, they figure it out for you.  Too bad they were a day late and a dollar short…we did get reimbursed for the benefits that the girls were entitled to but I bet it was 3-4 months later for JJ and 7-8 months later for Raya.  In the meantime, you guessed it, foster parents foot the entire day care bill and it is oh so costly.

So where do we stand today, well, all items have been turned in at this point.  I will follow-up this week and keep you posted.  Progress is gained…

Guardian oh guardian…where art thou guardian?

So again, I know I shouldn’t be surprised by this but I try to think a new situation could be different and hope for all positive things…well, I’m thinking the guardian (aka random attorney who gets cases appointed to him and does the bare minimum) isn’t going to be at all better than the guardian for our girls was…and really I am just bummed out!

I was very excited when I received a letter from this attorney’s firm on letterhead saying please call us to set up an appointment, we want to meet you guys and the boys etc.  Well I have called, right away and I have left very detailed messages and you know what?  I have received no call back.  It has been weeks now.

Then it all started coming back to me when JJ’s guardian had the chance to petition the Judge to re-new the supervised visits when she herself witnessed JJ tell the workers her mom was hurting her and you know she didn’t and she wouldn’t and it was a complete copout…that’s another story but you see why I think this is just crap.

Why does this attorney send this letter out anyway? Oh yeah, he is required by law to see the children in person at least once when he is given their case. Once.  So how can he possibly know what’s in their best interest when he knows nothing about them???

I don’t know about you but when I hear the word guardian I think protector…someone who is going to do their upmost for these children and ensure that their interests are being protected…

Well in my experience these guardian ad litems are nothing close to guardian angels… =(  and it makes me mad!

Why be on this court appointed list then? Why waste taxpayers money when you are nothing but a body to satisfy the law’s requirement that one guardian be appointed for the children?

“The times we find ourselves having to wait on others may be the perfect opportunities to train ourselves to wait on the Lord.” ~ Joni Eareckson Tada

And now to leave you and I with some encouraging words from the word of our Lord.  Paul never even met the Colossian Missionaries but this is how he prayed for them knowing they were doing God’s work.

Colossians 1:11-12

Be assured that from the first day we heard of you, we haven't stopped praying for you, asking God to give you wise minds and spirits attuned to his will, and so acquire a thorough understanding of the ways in which God works.

We pray that you'll live well for the Master, making him proud of you as you work hard in his orchard.  As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work.

We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives.

It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us.

Blessings!
 

Memoir #50 Firsts

Part of the magic of doing foster care is opening a child’s world up and I can’t begin to describe how choked up I have gotten in the last month over how many “firsts” James has experienced.

For example, we went to a Mexican restaurant for my parents’ 30th wedding anniversary and when we finished eating he asked, where do we take the plates?  Do those guys come and get them?  I thought this was an odd line of questioning and so I asked him, have you ever been to a restaurant before?  No was his answer.  I couldn’t believe it.  He had never been to a restaurant before in his entire 6, almost 7 years of life.  The best part is, he LOVED it.  He talked about it for days and asked us when can we go back to a restaurant again?  He cannot wait! 

For Spring Break week he went to another foster family’s house during the day and they took him bowling one afternoon.  On the ride home he said, “Isn’t it so special how I got to go bowling for the first time ever today?”  I looked back in the rearview mirror at his smiling face and with tears in my eyes I just said “yes…it is really special”.  Then he adds, “And I did awesome too, the lady said so!”

I finally take him to get his hair cut at a local salon.  He tells the lady he has never been to get his haircut at a salon before and again he just enjoyed it thoroughly.  After it was done he asked me, “When my hair grows long again can we go back and get it cut here again?”  I said, “yes sir…that is how it works!”

And then we get home yesterday and my neighbor guy is holding up a shiny red bicycle that he fixed up, put air in the tires and said “well are you going to come over here and get it or what?”  I am just amazed…they went and got him a bike!!!  Incredible!  So when we get home I tell him he can ride it for a minute and I say you will have to go and tell Mr. Craig thank you when you see him.  Next thing I know he tares off into their garage and is knocking on their door saying “thank you, thank you, thank you!”  I meant tomorrow or something haha but he couldn’t wait!

It’s so easy to take things for granted but for James…even the little things are gifts.

God grant me the ability to see through the eyes of children…to have even a glimpse of their world view would be incredible.