Faith Born Still
I’ve wrestled with how to write this entry.
I want it to be the most profound memoir that I have ever composed because it will be telling the story of the most difficult experience I have ever faced.
I need to write it for all of those who have gone through this or who might go through this someday…and I need to write it because it’s her story and in the 5 months that we got to know Faith, she greatly impacted our world.
Words just cannot express the shattered dreams, or the hole that I have in my heart (maybe forever), or the torture that I’ve experienced in holding my baby who was not breathing…and never ever would on this earth…
This has been our own “Job” story…the devil taking our first born and God saying to him…try all you may with my righteous son and daughter…they will NOT waiver in their faith. This is the story of our Faith…
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I think it was in May of this year when I went to my doctor and proudly proclaimed “I would like to get pregnant!” I then proceeded to ask him if I could start a round of Chlomid so that I could increase my chances of having twins. I found out quickly that it doesn’t work that way (though I am pretty sure celebrities get a pass here). He said that he will not give fertility treatments to his patients until they have faithfully tried to conceive for one calendar year with no luck.
I will never forget when he said to me “it can take a normal couple up to a year to conceive”. Once I heard this fact combined with the realization that there was no way of completing my “two birds with one stone” idea – at least not with medical help, I knew we needed to start trying right away. Our daughter Raya would be 4 years old in February and I wanted to bridge the gap in age between her and our future children as quickly as possible so they could experience life through similar eyes.
For some of you reading this, you may be thinking, this is out of character for you…when did you decide you wanted to try to conceive instead of adopt? Good question. My desire to adopt was as strong as ever at this point (in May) but my husband has always wanted to try and conceive at least one child. We’ve gone back and forth on this many times and how we’ve decided to compromise is by continuing on with our plans to do both. We decided to try and conceive first and then we would go back to adoption after that. We stopped fostering children and actively seeking another child to adopt when we began trying to conceive, in order to add one child at a time to our family.
My doctor understands me so well…I just love him for caring about me so much…and as I was leaving his office with a script for prenatal vitamins he said “Rachel, you’re going to get pregnant right away” and I said “we will see” with a smirk on my face. I totally doubted his words and my fertility. I’m not sure why. Maybe over the years I had scared myself into thinking I would have trouble conceiving or something, but that is what I was thinking at that moment.
Well, we had our “big” wedding in June and I bought some ovulation sticks off the internet. I peed on these things for about two weeks straight. Just when I thought they were faulty, one of them had two lines. I thought well, let’s just see what happens. I remember June 26, 2011 like it was yesterday. We prayed that God would bless my womb and make a baby. We had heard a very moving sermon the week before on asking God for what you want and doing so with true belief that it is going to happen…no matter what you need or want…God will answer your prayers.
About the third week of July I was upstairs in Raya’s room just feeling absolutely nauseous. Jamie was out of town and all of a sudden it dawned on me…maybe I could be pregnant. Long story short, I peed on three pregnancy tests and each of them confirmed the same thing…that’s right… I was pregnant!!! Jamie and I could not have been happier although I was incredibly shocked that “it worked” so quickly. Jamie said “why are you shocked…we prayed for this baby and God has answered our prayers!”
We had prayed for this baby and it was God’s special gift to us. I never thought for a minute that something could happen to her. I never thought for a minute that this pregnancy would be complicated and high risk. I never thought I would be sick on and off for the next five months.
A week later, I started my new job. A week after that, Jamie’s dad died. Then I started bleeding…
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We weren’t expecting his dad to die…and so the world stopped for about three weeks in August.
We were at his bedside when he flew into Jesus’ arms on Saturday night and on Monday morning I got my first ultrasound.
I went to the appointment all alone because Jamie had to comfort his mom who was now a widow at only 55 years old. On Friday I was gushing blood and I “just knew” that it was over. I tearfully sat back in the ultrasound chair and waited to hear the unfortunate news. I was 8 weeks pregnant.
The girl smeared the jelly on my tummy and as plain as day there was a gummy bear with a flicker in its chest on the screen. I was amazed. She turned on the sound and I could hear her heartbeat pounding strong. What was going on then? She showed me the hematoma. This would be the phantom thorn in my side for the rest of this pregnancy. At that point it was a huge gray shape, twice the size of my gummy bear, and it was scary to say the least.
Once I met with the doctor, she explained to me what this meant. A hematoma can either reabsorb and cause no problems at all, or it can cause a miscarriage. Well, we prayed like crazy and at 10 weeks the hematoma was completely gone! According to the ultrasound (at least) there was no trace of it. The feeling I had then was of peace and I was so relieved and thanked God just weeping non-stop. We had new life in the midst of the recent death and that was so comforting. Little did I know that the feeling would be incredibly short lived.
About a month went by with minimal noticeable problems except that I felt terrible. I just always felt sickly. I was in a court room every single day…trying my best to pretend like I felt good when in actuality I would feel dizzy, tired and just not quite right.
Then I started spotting. At times there were a couple of “break-through” bleeds when I thought it was over again. Then the pain started. Excruciating pains would strike and leave me incapacitated for an hour at a time. I still remember the day that my co-worker and I decided to walk to the coffee shop. All of a sudden I was overcome with pain. I broke into a sweat and ended up vomiting in the bathroom there. I had to go home for the rest of the day. What was going on? I was in constant contact with my doctor’s office seeing a total of 6 different doctors there over the next few weeks. I never got an explanation that really made sense. They said ligaments were stretching but I knew this was more extreme than that. The bleeding got worse and after about 6 ultrasounds, I found myself to be nearing 19 weeks along.
That Friday I just felt terrible and I got scared. I went to the doctor for my 7th ultrasound and that is when she noticed the fluid was low. I went on bed rest immediately and I cried hysterically that I would have to stop working indefinitely. Even still, I was determined to do everything I could for this little girl that was growing inside me. I just kept thinking every day counts.
I knew that no baby had lived who was born younger than 22 weeks. I knew that we had to make it at least to that point for them to save her. I began gearing up for bed rest and people started bringing over meals and magazines. I was worried about our baby but I think the break from work was helping to ease my stress.
Then what I had dreaded and prayed away for 5 months began to happen and we rushed to the emergency room. That ER doctor looked me in the eyes and that alone confirmed my worst fears to be true…there was not going to be anything they could do to save her. My baby was dying.
When I got up to the OB floor…that doctor did an ultrasound and we saw our Faith with that flicker in her chest. Her heart was still beating! The problem was there was no amniotic fluid left and soon her heart would stop they told us. We were forced to sit there and just wait for our baby to die.
The ultrasound tech came up with another machine and all of a sudden there was a spontaneous flash of light and the flicker was gone. Our Faith left us at that moment and flew up to be with her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
I was in shock…complete disbelief that it was over…that our Faith was gone.
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What I didn’t realize was that I would be forced into labor and I would have contractions for 12 hours giving birth to a breach baby with no epidural only to sign a death certificate.
What I didn’t realize is that I would have to give her a name.
What I didn’t realize is that I would have to decide whether to bury her body or cremate it with a funeral home the following Monday.
What I didn’t realize is just how affected I was going to be by giving birth to Faith born still.
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It hurt so bad…physically and emotionally. I couldn’t stand to see my family hurting and to have to try and explain to our Raya that our baby went to heaven. She just kept saying, “I wish our baby would wake up and open her eyes…”…I wished more than anything for the same thing.
Going home to an empty house with empty arms is so cruel. This life is just so hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why??? WHY!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???!!!???
Why did this happen? Why did this happen to us? Why does it seem like our prayers went unanswered when we were praying like crazy for the exact opposite outcome?
I wish I had the answers and I do not.
I wish I knew God’s ultimate plan for our lives but I do not.
This is what I do know and I am absolutely sure of…and that is one thing. Jesus loves me and he is holding our Faith in his arms right now in heaven, where there is no suffering and no more pain.
I got to thinking and I feel like everyone I have ever met who has had a miscarriage or lost a child is a Christian. In fact, so many tragedies seem to happen overwhelmingly to those who proclaim to be followers of Christ. Satan is on a mission to destroy those who have chosen to believe and follow God forsaking all else. God tells Satan, “go ahead and try…try to rob and rape and kill my people… but…I assure you Satan, they will not waiver from their faith!”
It would be in vain if Christ-followers were sheltered from all the sin in this world and if that were the case, it wouldn’t be a showcase for God’s love now would it. Instead, I believe that for those who hold fast to their faith even through the strife that presents itself in such horrible ways in this world…great is their reward!!!
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In spite of our tragedy…our faith has never been stronger.
That is why we gave the name Faith to our dear daughter.
True faith is what she has taught us in her short life and death and the only way we will see her again is to cling to our faith through the good and the difficult times.
We thank God for our Faith everyday and we can’t wait until she runs into our arms when we get to meet her and see her breathe at our blessed reunion in heaven one day.
Now my b
rothers and sisters, I do not count myself to have taken hold of it. But this one thing I do know: forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth to those things which are before, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3:13-14
*Faith's Feet*
